It came from out of nowhere after all that snow and cold, a streak of dry and sunny days with record-breaking highs. This happens almost every year, but usually in March. Around the first day of spring, I think we’ve got this beat and then it turns all wet and nasty. Over the years I’ve photographed more hummingbirds in snow than I care to remember. Maybe that won’t happen this time with the changing climate. I sure wouldn’t mind.
Today we drove by two more houses for sale. It doesn’t matter what they cost because we didn’t like them. My wife was silent on the ride home. That didn’t last. “That was so depressing… I’ve had it with Taos,” she said—an honest reaction I’ve often had myself—adding that she felt like moving very far away but I would never leave. I don’t think that’s true. In any case, it didn’t bother me to hear her say that like it has before. All the energies of my life conspired to bring me here. How could this be wrong? A river might change course but no one says it screwed up. The changes are internal now. It’s not raining in my heart.
I can’t believe how old I am. It makes no sense. Except for having less energy to waste, I feel as vital as I ever did. Too bad I look like hell—what Anne Lamott calls “ear-hair uncles”—but there’s really nothing wrong. (I did panic a little the other day when I was in the bathtub checking out my manly parts and couldn’t find one. Good god, it’s gone! Or shriveled. What the hell, where is it? Then today I tried again and there it was.) So I don’t know, we simply have to watch these things. Reality is malleable and so am I, apparently. Nothing’s fixed or solved but everything’s okay. There will always be a question mark. We go until we stop and then it’s on to something else.
My late sister is on my mind a lot. I’ve had a couple of messages since she died. “Be yourself” was one of them. If anyone would know to say that, she would. The words are finally sinking in now. Nothing has to be the way it was when I was crazy. This is what I’ve had to learn.