Weary Boy?

Winter shot of west slope of Taos Mountain

Spring can’t get here soon enough—and never does in Taos—but sometimes I don’t mind.

Oh, I’m weary, all right. (Winter, viruses and lung rot, rusty razor blades of doom, etc.) But I think I have this thing figured out.

I’ve been nothing but miserable when it comes to conventional expectations, and as smart as I am, I’ve dispensed some God-awful advice. You might even say I blew an obvious conventional future all to hell, or at least made it a lot more difficult, with the choices I’ve made along the way. But it’s not just one choice, or two or three. It’s all of them… This remarkable consistency deserves greater scrutiny, which I just gave it. I conclude I am a force of Nature! Some might even say a bare-assed genius of a lesser sort, but why stop there.

The only thing any of us ever does “wrong” is get in our own way. Accordingly, the next time I wake up at 5:00 a.m. and can’t decide whether to piss or shoot myself, I may just go to the bathroom. After all, I’m obviously marked for a highly unconventional future, what there is left of it.

This ain’t about no Oprah hipster goober crap. I may be tired, but the fix is in. You can’t compare yourself to others. You just can’t.

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  • Kaye February 15, 2013, 5:31 PM

    Thanks, this was exactly what I needed to hear today. Been thinking the same stuff about the choices I made. Hey, I could have sung opera, but I decided to teach piano in Wisconsin instead! It’s a good life, though,with a great spouse.

    • JHF February 15, 2013, 7:00 PM

      Of course it’s a good life! Every choice reflects the forces applying at the time. No “mistakes,” then. You must be a force of Nature, too. 🙂 I’m nuts myself, of course, so all my trouble came from trying to be sane…

  • Pascale Soleil February 15, 2013, 8:36 PM

    Never thought I’d be here, doing what I’m doing. Expectations of every sort shot all to hell. Life probably 2/3rds gone and I still don’t know what I wanna be when I grow up.

    Oh well! At least it’s not boring.

    • JHF February 15, 2013, 9:03 PM

      Right. And it isn’t over yet. I’m a little bored right now, though. Need to shake things up!

  • Marti Fenton February 16, 2013, 12:30 AM

    Boredom is normal in Taos this time of year. As soon as the lights go out at night, I too think of all that could have been and how little time I have left to do whatever it is. As the wind blows incessantly and the naked grey branches reveal the trash and rotting fences it is like being attuned to the natural state. This too will pass.

    • JHF February 16, 2013, 8:20 AM

      Very well put! It would help if I didn’t feel so trapped from time to time, I have to say.

  • ingoerik February 16, 2013, 8:24 AM

    Good afternoon, so you are bored, hmmm. Maybe if you read this : http://www.crazyguyonabike.com/doc/page/?o=1&page_id=182913&v=Wy#pic_888042 you get some useful insights about why life happens to have different plans with us than what we think. In short, this guy is cycling through Australia on rural “roads” , makes nice photos (like you) and sometimes get a bit to philosophical (like you too). Enjoy !

    • JHF February 16, 2013, 8:30 AM

      Ingo! Thank you for the link, I will investigate.

      But let us be clear on one thing: the point of this post is that all my choices have been very consistent, meaning that “the plan,” whatever it is, is working. 🙂

      • ingoerik February 16, 2013, 8:37 AM

        The only problem is that you can “see” this plan only if you look back in the past, what you are doing now and what you plan to do might not always be along this plan, but if you look back one day it makes kinda sense and fits well.

        • JHF February 16, 2013, 8:40 AM

          Yes. In other words, everything is fine!

  • ingoerik February 16, 2013, 8:49 AM

    lol, yes. It reminds me on Steve Jobs famous speech in Stanford where he talked about connecting the dots of your life : ” ……. Again, you can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something–your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”

    • JHF February 16, 2013, 8:55 AM

      Must make it hard for commenting when I keep editing what I just said. But yes, again. That’s a great quotation, and I do trust. This is something of a more recent phenomenon, however, which no doubt accounts for the boredom I’m experiencing. (Scenery, renegade Juan, blah-blah-blah. That’s just peripheral bullshit.)

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